impulsivity. it’s doing what seems like a good idea in the moment and then regretting it moments after. it’s diffusing a bomb and not realizing the capacity of the pain and sorrow you’ve just caused. impulsivity ruined my life. it started when my dad’s old girlfriend made the most impulsive move in the history of impulsive moves, and since then, the impulsivity that demonizes my life spiraled down. until it became irretrievable. i’ve impulsively hurt myself, again and again, looking for something to ease the pain i felt inside. ive destroyed relationship after relationship because of my own carelessness. ive hooked up with random people, seeking attention and craving love. in the moment, i felt wanted, i felt desired. he kisses me like he loves me. he must love me. til that feeling drained away and i was left feeling used and abandoned.
i do group therapy, and we call our personal issues “problem behaviors”. in a nutshell, my problem behavior is impulsivity. it’s ironic that you think you’re doing the right thing in the moment, you think there are no repercussions to your actions. but there are so many reverberations to actions manufactured by momentary desire. impulsivity ruined my life. it causes anxiety. drama, sadness, fear, regret. i want to live with no regrets, and i always thought the answer was to do whatever the hell you want. but i’ve learned living with no regrets means not doing whatever the hell you want. what feels right, feels good slipping out of your lips in the juncture of time, is probably going to do more harm than good. so now i think before i do. when i get an urge to cut, i think about the scars ill have forever. the pain ill cause my family when they walk in on me bleeding. when i want to hook up with a guy who considers me his sex toy, i think about my worth. i realize i deserve better than this. i realize i deserve love and happiness. and it’s mostly my actions that make me believe otherwise.
living with no regrets means thinking. it means counting to ten before the words that will drive your favorite person in the whole world away escape your lips. it means taking a breath and deciding the aftermath of whatever exertion it is that you want to take.
think. count. breathe. now you can live with no regrets.